


I Can Bear the Worst

by storyteller_of_sanssouci



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abusive Parent, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Fritz Gets Help, Gay Literature Nerds, Loosely based off the Author's life, M/M, Mythology References, Original work - Freeform, Protective Gay Older Sister, Protective Gay Older Sister's Girlfriend, Self-Harm, escaping
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:20:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22587796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storyteller_of_sanssouci/pseuds/storyteller_of_sanssouci
Summary: After escaping his abusive father with his older sister and her girlfriend to start a new life, Fritz Saenger doesn't seem to think that a change of scenery would 'fix' him like everyone tells him it would. It wouldn't fix him, no, but he would soon find someone to help him deal with his past trauma.
Relationships: Fritz Saenger/Sebastian Blätt, Mina Saenger/Charlotte Bräumer
Comments: 7
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first work on here, though not the first story I've written. Be warned there is references of abuse and self-harm, so if you are sensitive to those things, please be warned.

I should have never said anything. I should have never told him ‘stop’. I could have salvaged what I had most certainly ruined but I didn’t. You can’t change the past-

Stop. My thoughts said. You’re just ruining your sanity, if you aren’t ruined enough.

I should have known I was in Charlotte’s car, Mina was driving off to an unknown destination that she had arranged for, but I didn’t. As usual, I was stuck in my own mind, stuck in the past. I should have known I wasn’t back in Berlin anymore with his, my supposed father’s, iron grasp around my throat. No, I wasn't there but on the roads of Brandenburg, awaiting my fate at my Opa’s. I then realized where I was, who I was, what I was and what I had all at once. I shivered when my surroundings changed to something more familiar, the old dining room. My eyes widened.

“You have everything you could want.” I heard him roar, more thunderous and powerful than Zeus himself. “You have a bed, you have water, food, and those silly old children’s stories, those unholy stories that corrupted your dumbass mind! You have everything, but you ask me to ‘stop’- Like you, the son, would order I, the adult, around! You should feel guilty for asking for more when you have everything, you son of a bitch-“

I flinched when that lecture ended, and my surroundings changed. I was safe- safer than I was, in a car, and Mina was driving, Charlotte was behind me, I was safe. I had to keep telling myself that, I had to. I was safe.

I sat with a book, Antigone, resting in my lap while I stared out the fingerprint-stained window. I couldn’t see my surroundings. The browns, the greens, the greys just blended together into an abstract amoeba until the car came to a halt, and I was violently flung myself forward. After gathering myself back into my seat, I saw my sister look at me concernedly. I didn’t realize that I had whimpered at the sudden movement. 

“Fritzie…”

I didn’t look at her.

“Fritzie, are you doing alright?” She repeated. 

I nodded. “Yes.”

Her Girlfriend, Charlotte, the owner of the car, grabbed me on the shoulder from her seat behind me. 

“Are you sure? Fritz, you look scared-“

I flinched at the touch. “Please.”

She took her hand back quickly. “Shit, shit, I’m sorry.”

I didn’t speak much anymore, even to Mina. I should talk to my sister as she knows exactly what was bothering me, but he had instilled such a fear of speaking in me that I never dare spoke more than necessary. I usually only answered ‘yes’ or ‘no’ and the occasional ‘I’m okay’ or ‘I’m not okay’. He had taken away a gift I used to have, but as of late I wanted none of what I used to have. 

Mina grabbed her keys, hopped out of her side of the door, and approached my side. I really wasn’t ready, mentally or physically, to meet my Opa, but it had to be done someday. When the door opened, she smiled at me and helped me get out of the car. I looked her in the eye, she had such nice green eyes. I had been regifted my father’s grey eyes. I hated them more than Hera hated Hercules. I wish I could have inherited such a unique feature as hers, my mothers. I wish. Pathetic. Wishes are for people who deserve them.

“Fritz, don’t forget your backpack.” Mina gestured to the small backpack that was left where my feet were. I nodded, and after stowing away my book, I slipped it over my shoulders. The weight of it on me made me feel comfortable, comfortable in the sense that there was something covering my back.

I looked at her once more.

Mina and her beautiful eyes. She reminded me of Athena, with wisdom beyond her years and such ferocity that could make the most beastly creature burst into tears at the sight of her. Besides, she wasn’t a great knitter and got very jealous of people easily. I can’t blame her. I wondered if she was the goddess in disguise…but that was years ago, many years ago when I actually believed in something. If she wasn’t Athena, she was almost the perfect image of my mother-  
My mother.

The ground changed when I set my feet upon it. It was that familiar flooring, that carpet that was my mother’s prized possession, covered with stains of wine and beer. Charlotte was gone, Mina was gone, Opa’s house was gone. 

“Your mother-“ He shouted in my mind, slamming his glass on the table. “was such an untrustworthy woman, like they all are. She was too curious, too adventurous for a woman, what a whore she was! You’re nothing but a whore’s son-“

I whimpered, expecting his blows but there was nothing. My knees almost gave in, but I caught myself.

“Fritz, you okay bud?” Charlotte asked me, minding not to make the same mistake.

I didn’t nod. I wasn’t okay. “No.”

“I’m going to get the bags,” Mina began, lifting my suitcase out of the backseat. “You just stay there, Fritz. Lotte!” 

“What babe?” She answered, putting away her messy tray of pastels in her bag.

Mina sighed. “Help me get this stuff out. I don’t want Fritz to carry anything.”

“Right away, babe.” She saluted to her, placing her bag down. 

I watched as they both carried what little luggage, we all had, rolling it to the porch and groaning from the walk from the car to the house with three large suitcases. I stood where I had rooted my feet, not moving a muscle. I stared at the house in front of me. No, this wasn’t going to fix me, no matter how much I trusted Mina. This isn’t, it’s only a change of scenery, a change of faces. I was scarred from my past, scarred from myself and scars don’t go away easily. It never is an overnight miracle. 

After assessing the luggage, Mina came back to collect me. 

“Fritzie,” She asked me, taking my hand. I let her. “Want to stay out here while I talk to Opa?”

I nodded. 

“Opa’s going to love you, just as much as I do.” She smiled at me. I wish I could smile like her…I can’t even remember the last time my smile wasn’t faked. I felt a smile ghost over my lips. I felt as if some sort of happiness surged through me. 

“There’s a bench and a lake over there, personally I think that’s a good spot for you.” She said. “I know you need your quiet, and that car ride was especially stressful, I know.”

I nodded and wrapped my arms around her. I needed a hug from her.

She stroked through my curls, laughing before letting go. “I love you.” 

Mina walked over to the red door of Opa’s house, knocking twice on the wood in hopes someone would hear her. I walked in the opposite direction; towards the bench she had pointed out by the lake. She was right, as always. It is a nice place to read or just sit. I sat down and closed my eyes.

I sat there and breathed, just for a moment. The air back in Berlin wasn’t too bad, but this was something different. It was peaceful, oddly calm and I thought I was on another planet. The city was all I knew.

“Are you alright?”  
My newfound peace was broken, and my eyes quickly opened. 

“Oh…you were resting. I’m so sorry!” The person said nervously.

I turned my head to face this figure whom I could barely see out of the corner of my eye. His dark eyes were what stood out, observing me concernedly, but for what reason? I didn’t know him; he didn’t know me. He didn’t know me. He slowly sat down on the bench next to me, and I jumped up, my eyes widening.

“Please...” I said, clasping my hands together. “No.”

The boy continued to stare with concern, surely confused at me. I wish I could tell him that I wasn’t comfortable with strangers sitting next to me, but yet again, my father won. I looked back at him with wide eyes while he tried to gather his words. I could see it in his face.

“No, what?” He said. “Was I too close?”

I nodded at him. He continued to stare.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to scare you.” He said, casting his gaze downwards. I looked away. 

I turned my head towards the house, wondering if I should just run away to Mina. He then looked at me again, holding out his hand.

“I’m Sebastian, by the way. Are you a relative of Herr Johannes?” He asked me. “He lets me sit here. I live over there.”

He pointed to a smaller house a bit off to the left. I could see a cat strutting on their front steps. Great. A cat. 

“Yes.” I said, stepping back a bit.

Sebastian looked at me confusedly. “Yes, to that you’re related to him?”

I nodded.  
He smiled. I did have to say, he smiled nicely. Like Mina. 

“Okay, I got you.” Sebastian laughed. “What’s your name, if that’s okay for me to ask?”

My face must have changed. His face did too. 

“Wait-“ 

My eyes widened once again, and Sebastian wasn’t there. It was him, my father. I wasn’t standing anymore; I was struggling to stand while he tried to teach me never to fall asleep during dinner. I was so tired that day, too afraid to sleep during the night. He grabbed me by the neck, his hands almost succeeding in cutting off my airflow. If only he was successful. If only I didn’t have to live anymore.

“What is your name, young man?” He spat in my face. I was struggling to breathe, never mind speak. “What is your name, you little whore?”

I could feel the world blackening. I fell to my knees, not caring whether there was a stranger there.

With my eyes closed, I couldn’t see anything. I couldn’t see him, I couldn’t see the dreary apartment, I couldn’t see. The unsureness of my surroundings bothered me more than one could imagine. 

“I don’t know what you’re called, but please don’t be dead! Oh, damn I made a mistake.” A voice said panicked. “That might have been a bit dramatic. Please don’t be in a coma…wait, still too dramatic. I don’t know, just don’t be anything with negative consequences.”

It wasn’t my father. I slowly opened my eyes and looked up. Sebastian was still there, kneeling down over me. I looked at him, ready to run. 

“Okay, you’re looking at me.” He said, sighing. “Are you alright? I’m really concerned-”

“Don’t.” I snapped. “…Don’t.”

I ran away, ran away to the house and far away from him. I should have felt bad for being so mean, but when something bothers me, it bothers me. It wasn’t his fault; it was my fault. It was all my fault.

“Wait!” I heard him call. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” 

I didn’t look back. 

Charlotte was still on the porch, pencil in hand probably to sketch her new art piece. I ran to her and wrapped myself around her arm. She jumped at bit at the sudden contact but soon embraced me. 

“What’s the matter, Fritz?” She said in her calm voice. I made a noise that made her grip onto me tighter. “Did something bother you? You don’t look good.”

I pointed towards the bench by the lake, where for a moment I felt calm. “There.”

“What happened there?” She asked. 

I then changed where I pointed, gesturing at Sebastian, who was still kneeling on the ground.

“Over there.” I squeaked out. “There.”

The expression on her face changed, her eyes angrier than Ares being caught with Aphrodite. She gently let go of me, dropped her pencil and sketching pad, and speeded to the spot- and the person- I had pointed at. 

I followed her. I shouldn’t have, but I did. 

“Listen up, you little shit!” She yelled, looking Sebastian directly in his eyes. “What the hell, what the actual hell, what the actual fucking hell did you do to my boy?”

He sprung up and stared at her, completely scared. “I sat down next to him and he jumped up and I tried to be friendly and he fell and blacked out-“

She growled and jabbed a finger at him. “That’s what they all say, you absolute turd.”

“I was concerned, I didn’t do anything to hurt him!” He said frantically. “I swear!”

Charlotte looked at him, grabbing the neck of his shirt. “If this happens again, I swear to go I’m bringing in the big guns…His older sister.”

He tilted his head, confused. “You’re not his older sister?”

“No!” She growled, shaking him. “I’m something even scarier! His older sister’s girlfriend-“

I approached them. Charlotte was still shaking him and cursing at him, and I had to explain myself somehow. 

“Stop.” Charlotte looked at me, truly puzzled. “Please.”

Dropping Sebastian, she looked at me. “What do you mean?”

I looked at her, looked at him, looked at the world around me for something that could help me explain. And idea popped into my head. I ran back to the porch, both of them left to stare at each other.

I turned the page of the sketchbook and started scribbling with the pencil what my mouth should have said. I walked back to where they stood, showing them both the sketch pad. 

“I remembered him again…it happens…Sebastian did nothing wrong…it’s my fault-“ She read. “I should be upset at you for using my sketchpad, but I can’t get angry at you, Fritz.”

I nodded shyly.

She looked at Sebastian. “I’m sorry… Sebastian, is it?”

He smiled nervously. “That’s correct. I’m really sorry again, I didn’t want to mean any harm.”

“I’m Charlotte,” She smiled. “And that’s Fritz.”

Sebastian’s cheeks turned pink when he turned to me. “Fritz…nice to meet you.”

I didn’t respond but nodded. 

“Fritz doesn’t say much. He’s had a tough time...if you get what I’m saying. He gets nervous easily and I could imagine today was especially rough on him…Certain words get him too.” She explained quietly to him. “We just got here from Berlin.”

“Oh, I respect that. I apologize for not picking that up…” He said, embarrassed. “Berlin…City-folk. That’s a good two hours away. Are you staying here for the summer?”

“Eh…For eternity, probably.” She mumbled. “Pretty much until I get a place of my own.”

His smile was gone. “Oh.” 

“Exactly.” Charlotte said. “Anyway, sorry for calling you a turd. Have to go see what Mina’s up to…have a good Afternoon.”

“Oh, it’s alright. There’s a first time for everything!” He smiled again. I could tell he was faking it. “And thank you, Miss Charlotte. You too.”

He looked at me one more time and then turned around and returned to his seat by the lake, staring out at the small waves. 

I took Charlotte’s hand tightly and let her lead me inside the house, the house that could hold either they key to my happiness or the ball and chain to my despair. I entered his house without hesitation, but heavy with regret.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, just a warning before you read! This chapter has Self-Harm in it, so if you are sensitive, please be warned! Thank you!

“He doesn’t speak and doesn’t like to be touched, even if you’re just patting him on the shoulder.” Mina explained quietly, when I was sitting down on Opa’s couch, fidgeting with my hands. “He was hurt a lot in his sixteen years…you could understand that, right?”

“Of course, Mina. He’s a sweet boy, I know he is.” Opa said, smiling softly. “My god, it’s been years since I’ve seen the both of you.”

Johannes Hermann Honnovre, my Opa. My mother’s father. The last time I saw him was when I was two and Mina was five. Of course, I couldn’t remember that visit at all. From what Mina told me, she remembers Father being the man he was today and Mother trying the best she could to stop him from hitting her. But Opa put everyone in their place. All I could do is try to remember what it was to be a child, with a love for the world and free, but I couldn’t. That had been taken away, away with my voice.

But thank God Mina remembered some of that and found his address. Thank god.

“I’m sorry that we would have to live here, but I really don’t have any other choice.” She sighed, running a hand through her short curls. “We can’t go back to Berlin now, it’s too late for that.”

“I certainly don’t mind at all.” Opa says. “It’s very lonely here anyways. It’ll be nice to not hear myself think for a long while.”

Charlotte laughed loudly. “Phft! We certainly won’t be that loud.”

“Young people are loud. Old people, like me, are also loud.” Johannes said, grinning. “We’ll all live happily ever after.”

“Again, thank you for responding to the letter I sent you.” Mina smiled.

“How could I not?” Opa said. “Now…thank goodness there’s two extra rooms for you all. I’m assuming you and Charlotte with share the bigger of the two…?”

Mina turned to me. “Would you like the bigger room, Fritz? You know I’m able to stay in a small closet, let alone a small room.”

“No.” I shook my head. I didn’t need that much space.

Opa smiled at me. “You’ll take Sophie’s old room then…it has a bookcase, complete with books...God, I haven’t said that name in years. You have her nose; I have to say…”

I shook my head. “No.” I gestured to Mina, who obviously looked like her.

“Yes.” He nodded. “She definitely looks like her…so much like her. That’s not the only reason we all love you for.”

“Oh, stop.” Mina said, cheeks turning pink. “That’s what everyone says.”

Charlotte laughed, putting her arm around my sister. “I love you for everything, at least, Babe.”

She rolled her eyes. “Of course, you do. You’re the only one who would.”

Opa Johannes laughed a hearty laugh. “Such a wonderful young couple.”

If anything made me happy in the world, it was that Mina found love for herself. Charlotte was a beautifully nice person and Mina deserved love and someone who would give it to her in the right way. She deserved it so much. I, on the other hand, didn’t deserve love. I didn’t deserve having someone who loved me, who cared about me, who would protect me like Charlotte does with Mina. I was broken. I was worthless. How many times did he say that to me-

“You don’t deserve my love.” He yelled at me, cornering me into the china cabinet. “You don’t deserve anyone’s love. All you deserve is discipline with no love behind it, but honestly, discipline is the only kind of love anyone has to offer to anyone. Oh, I’m talking in too complicated terms for your dumb fucking ass-“

I hid my face in my hands, and I felt someone sit next to me. I looked up.

“Fritzie,” Mina said, rubbing my back. “I don’t think you want to sit here any longer.”

I shook my head, my eyes widening. “Sorry-“

She stroked through my hair, smiling. It calms me whenever she does that, though I don’t know how she knew that could hold the key to calming me. I really don’t deserve her. I don’t.

“He needs to spend some time by himself.” Mina explained to Opa quickly. “Where is Mama’s old room? I bet he would like to unpack.”

I nodded, slipping my backpack on. Once again, I felt safe.

“The room’s up the stairs, the light blue door.” Opa pointed out. “I hope he’s comfortable in there, it has all one could ever want...except the dust. That’s an issue…I might go in and dust while you’re all out.”

I stood up and walked towards the stairs, stopping when I felt like I had bumped into something. I looked down at a small coffee table, the only objects on it pictures. One was of Oma, another was of Opa when he was young, with a young man, and another was of Mama. She probably wasn’t older than me in the picture. It’s a shame that I couldn’t be here with her. Mina made up for that, though.

Each stair was covered by a small strip of lavender carpet. It cushioned the noise of the stairs as I went up, except for one step which was especially creaky. It seemed to bark at me when I stepped on it, so I skipped over that step.

The upstairs was small, but bigger than anything I had even known. There were two doors on the left, and my new door was the single one on the right. The paint on the door was faded but reminded me almost of the sky back in Berlin. I put my hand on the knob, slowly turning it.

“Oh.”

My new room was small but had a high ceiling with beams that sliced through the sky, like Perseus slaying that dreaded gorgon. There was a small bed on the wall, a dresser, and a nice-sized bookshelf and a nightstand in the room, adorned with a porcelain lamp in the shape of a 18th century man possibly dancing a minuet. I turned it slightly away from me. Those painted eyes were way too disturbing for my taste, no matter how much I liked his outfit.

Almost everything was covered in a thick covering of dust. I touched on the surface of the nightstand, drawing an ‘f’ in the grey. I quickly erased my work, remembering that this was Mama’s room, not mine. I walked away.

I knelt down to look at the titles of the books of the shelves…Shakespeare, Dante, Voltaire, Aristotle, all of my favourite authors. My Mama had loved to read too, it had looked like. That’s where Mina and I got it from. I wonder when Mama stopped.

I’m assuming it had to do with him.

I picked up a book, Candide, and flipped through the pages carefully. The edges were yellowed and some of the corners were torn slightly. There were newspaper articles and notes from years ago stuck between some of the pages, so I decided to look at some. It was my right to. My fingers scanned over the messy handwriting. Shopping lists, quotes of all sorts, small drawings of places she had went to were what these papers consisted of, so I assumed. I found a drawing of two people on a bench near a lake, and I immediately recognized the location.

Just as I was opening my suitcase, I heard a knock at the door. It was only Mina, standing in the doorway. My eyes opened a bit more when she stepped in.

“This is a nice room, don’t you think, Fritz?” She asked me, kneeling down to my level. “Much bigger than what you had.”

I nodded. I had to admit, I did like it.

“Let me go get something.” She muttered, grinning slightly.

As I heard her leave, I unzipped my suitcase, looking at what little I was able to bring with me. Five shirts, three sweaters and two pairs of jeans plus my underclothes. The rest were my toothbrush, my medication and my books. My precious books. I wasn’t able to bring everything with me, but I had everything I needed. If I had left behind what I did, my father probably burned it all by now. Oh, it was a daring escape we had-

“Fritzie, we have to hurry up. I know you’re tired, I’m sorry.”

It was two in the morning and I had still to pack my books. I was rushing, I could barely see over the tears in my eyes. Mina was trying to hush me.

“I’ll get your books, I’ll pack them.” Mina said. “Just get outside, get outside Fritz.”

I nodded, and she stroked my cheek, smiling. “Just imagine, soon you’ll never have to endure him anymore. We’re escaping, Fritz.”

I put my hand on hers, slightly smiling out of fear. I had to get moving. He would be up, ready to catch us soon. I ran out of my room, not even caring to say goodbye to it. I ran, ran as fast as I could, though not as graceful as Quicksilver. I ran out the door, though heard steps behind me. I didn’t look back.

Mina soon ran out with my suitcase and I heard yells from inside the apartment.

“Fritzie!” She yelled. “Just get in the car! I’m okay!”

I’m okay. I’m okay.

Plopping down onto my new bed, I sobbed. I was such a pathetic sight, such a broken, pathetic sight. If only my father were to see me. I wasn’t allowed to cry in his presence, even though he did his best to try to make me burst into tears whenever I saw him. I was so weak. Why did I deserve a sister like Mina?  
Just as I was about to sit up again after yet another memory, Mina walked in, holding something I had thought I would never see again. Mama’s quilt. I had forgotten it in midst of the madness that morning. This had been the only thing that had helped me to find sleep in the past, and I was grateful that Mina, even though she had other responsibilities, had thought of me. She always thinks of me, even when she’s as depressed as I am. She always pretends to be happy for me, do I pretend to be happy for her? No, I don’t. I can’t even pretend anymore, more like I can’t even anymore. I don’t deserve to be happy.

I would forever keep repeating this in my mind: I don’t deserve Mina; I don’t deserve this new life. I don’t deserve being ‘poor’ Fritz.

I don’t deserve life.

“Oh, Fritzie…” She said, fastly walking up to me. “It’s alright, everything’s going to be alright.” After a second of thinking, she wrapped the quilt around my shoulders, before messing up my hair.

I looked up at her. I wish I could have said something. Pathetic, Fritz, pathetic.

“Do you want me to stay with you?” She asked me, fixing my curls.

I shook my head. “I’m…sorry-”

She sat down next to me, wrapping her arms around me as I pulled the quilt tighter around me. “Oh, Fritz…you never need to apologize to me. Never.”

“You get comfortable, okay? You don’t have to unpack tonight.” Mina suddenly stood up again, ruffling my hair one last time. “You mean everything to me.”

My sister finally left, the door closing with a soft click.

How stupid was I. How stupid could one be to not know how to say something as simple as ‘I need help’? Me. I was stupid enough. No one else on this planet could be as much as a weak, idiotic, pathetic soul. I couldn’t believe myself sometimes, I couldn’t. Oh, no, I knew what this was going to end with.

I looked over at my backpack, almost staring a hole through it, it took that much to focus my eyes. I finally gathered the courage to walk over to it, unzipping it carefully. I dug through the contents. Book, phone, more medication, granola bars, and finally what I was looking for. I pressed it in my hand before stuffing it in my sweater pocket, exiting my room.

Thank god no one was upstairs. I went into the bathroom, pulling out what I had searched for.

It was a small pair of scissors that I once stole from my Father’s office. The blades were sharper than I had access to, the very reason I had picked them. After tracing my fingers on the handle, I pushed away my sweater. There were so many little pale lines on my shoulders. Some had been there for years, some for mere weeks. These lines weren’t done by me, but the hands of Misery herself. Along with the bruises Wrath had gifted me, they littered down to my upper arms. I wouldn’t dare go further, in case Mina caught wind of the fact that I cut. I could never let her know.

I slid the blade of the scissors over my shoulders, over my chest, not even feeling how hard I was cutting into my skin. I deserved this, I thought.

I couldn’t feel the pain, I only felt warm dripping around me.

You deserve this. I said in my mind. This is the only thing you’ll ever deserve.

I stopped, grabbing a paper towel and wetting it in the sink. No one would ever know. No one ever could know. But they could know I deserved this.

***

The next morning, I had decided I needed fresh air.

I would have chosen to shut myself in my new room without food or water for the rest of my life, but I needed to go outside of that room. For some reason, I felt I needed to go outside as if my life depended on it.

Mina watched me as I came down the steps. She looked concerned for some reason. I smiled at her, of course not that convincingly, but she just frowned. I thought for a second. Did I do anything wrong? Oh god, she couldn’t hate me too-

“Fritz, I don’t care how much you protest, you’re eating something.” Mina stated simply. “Charlotte’s making pancakes, I know you love pancakes. Opa even has powdered sugar to make sure you’ll eat them.”

Oh no. I couldn’t eat when I was scared, but I often forced myself…more like Mina forced me. I could go a day without eating, but sometimes my stomach would betray me, and Mina would catch it before I even did. I don’t know why I’ve been so slow lately. My sister took my hand and led me into Opa’s small kitchen. I really didn’t want to eat after last night, but it seems like I had no choice.

Mina sat me down and put a plate out on the table. Charlotte soon came over with the pan, placing three small pancakes in front of me. She walked back over to the counter, grabbed the powdered sugar, and then sprinkled it on her pancakes, admiring her work.

My stomach grumbled loudly, and I sighed annoyedly.

“You’re hungry, Fritz. You need to eat.” Mina said. “I know things are tough, but you need something to eat to make them less tough.”

Not really in the mood for any more motivational comments from my sister, I picked up a pancake and took a bite. Mina sighed in relief.

“My pancakes are truly irresistible!” Charlotte said. “If only we had some of that American shit to put on them…that syrup shit.”

Mina giggled. “Your pancakes are as irresistible as you. You don’t even need the syrupy shit.”

“As if.” Charlotte giggled, pressing a kiss on Mina’s cheek.

After I finished my plate of pancakes, I went back upstairs to my room, got dressed quickly, grabbed my backpack and then went outside the house. Mina allowed me to go wherever I pleased, and since it was summer, I had no school. If I was back in Berlin, this wouldn’t be so. Carefully strolling over to the bench by the lake, I saw that the seat was empty. Finally, alone time.

I sat down, closing my eyes like I did the day previous. I could feel the corners of my mouth twitching upward. It was quiet, there wasn’t anyone talking, and there was no one. I didn’t have to feel insecure.

I heard someone approach the bench, but yet my body didn’t want to stand up and run away. I just sat there, in my own space when someone starting speaking.

“I came prepared this time…hope you don’t mind.”

I opened my eyes and were met with Sebastian’s.

Him, again. I thought he would never speak to me after I set Charlotte after him yesterday. My eyes lingered to his hands, which carried an old wooden folding chair. He actually remembered. I didn’t know how to feel. He looked concernedly at me, and that I still didn’t understand why. Why would you care about a stranger? No, why would you care about me?

“…Why?” I asked quietly.

“Why?” He laughed softly. “I feel horrible for upsetting you like that…but I understand, though. I honestly do.”

How would you understand me? I thought in my head. You haven’t even known me twenty-four hours, and you are bold enough to make a comment like that?

“What?” I mumbled.

Sebastian’s smiled disappeared. “I understand you. I know you might not think so, and you’re probably thinking that.”

I shook my head. Could he read my thoughts? No, it was evident in my face, probably.

“But I’ve been through stuff. You’ve been through stuff. That’s something, right?”  
I nodded. Now I was curious, but not curious enough to ask. I probably looked so pathetic to him, not being able to get over the smallest of things while he smiled and laughed and best of all, talked. I turned away from him, frowning.

“Did I upset you? Oh, Fritz-” Sebastian asked, putting his chair closer to the bench. “I’m so sorry… Can I help you?”

I turned back to him, shaking my head. He looked me directly in the eye just for a second, and I felt weird. It felt like some sort of offering of safety in his eyes that I needed but couldn’t accept from him. I didn’t deserve another person worrying about me, I just didn’t. I didn’t deserve his concern and his offer of help. No matter how much Mina said I needed it, I couldn’t accept what I wasn’t allowed to have. I shook my head at him once more. His frown deepened a bit at the corners, breathing in before he talked.

“You’re a beautiful person, I could tell.” He smiled slightly. I tried to escape his gaze. “You’re just hurt. A lot. I respect that.”

I could feel my cheeks heating up at that comment. Me? Beautiful? I was anything but beautiful. I was the ruins of who I should have been, but yet this was who I was meant to be. A sad, broken soul who walks the earth in shame.

“You are such a beautiful boy, my Friedrich.” Mama used to say to me when times were especially rough. “Someone is going to be very lucky one day…you deserve all the love you can get!”

I buried my face in my hands, feeling my eyes water. I couldn’t cry in front of him, in front of a stranger. I just wanted to turn into a laurel tree, like Daphne, to escape my relentless Apollo.

“Oh, shit, shit…shit!” He said, louder than his previous tone of voice. “Oh, damn I made it worse. Fritz, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Please don’t run, I don’t want to scare you!”

He jumped off his folding chair, not caring that it fell over and joined me on the bench. Without asking first, he wrapped his arms around me and for some reason I felt safe. Safer than I had been in a while. No, I couldn’t, no. I couldn’t be here! He couldn’t have hugged me that quickly! I had barely known him. Is this what friendship is like? I still couldn't understand him. 

“I…” I choked out. “Sebastian-“

“Shush, it’s alright.” He said, stroking over my hair. “Everything’s alright. Fritz, you’re alright.”

I saw Mina from my spot, looking out on the porch. I could tell she was staring at me, but it was almost as if she was smiling. I couldn’t tell, I didn’t know if I had imagined it, but it certainly looked like it. I didn’t deserve her, or him.


	3. Chapter Three

I had been trying to avoid him ever since that day I had foolishly let myself be vulnerable in front of him, in front of a stranger. Oh, I was so embarrassed at myself after that. I was mortified at how I just stayed, and undeservingly wept in his arms. Sebastian probably only held me because he felt bad, just because I’m pathetic and he wanted to be nice. I would never believe that was out of concern, no matter how much his eyes betrayed my suspicions. I wasn’t worth an embrace from him.

In those mere seven days, I cut more often to relieve whatever I was feeling. For a second, the only thing I felt was the warm dripping on my arms and not the guilt I felt. The burden I carried was still there, but I didn’t feel it. The scars I had reopened were what concerned me at the moment, it was the only thing in my control. But suddenly realization would strike, I remembered how society viewed what I was doing to myself. I could never let anyone know I did so, and I would sit at the mirror, refusing to look at the monster I made of myself. That’s all I was. A worthless underserving beast who had messed up his life and messed up himself.

“You can’t even look me in the eye, let alone yourself.” He shouted in my mind, holding me against the bathroom mirror. “Look how disgusting you are, look at what you truly are-“

He was right. I was nothing but broken.

I hadn’t sat at the bench for a week, after what happened. I couldn’t show my face. I had stared at it from my window, as I had a clear view of it. I could see Sebastian, sitting on his wooden fold-out chair, either reading or playing a flute. He didn’t sit on the bench after that day, it was almost if he thought I saw him on his own chair, he thought I would come back. No, no, I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. He didn’t think that, he didn’t. He probably thought his own chair was more comfortable than that old bench, anyways. It was probably true.

I even heard him come over a couple times during the week. Somedays he even stayed for dinner, I could recognize his voice anywhere. I never sat down at the table with them, though. I brought my dish up to my room, spilled some of it into the waste bin and hid from him, hid from them as best as I could, as long as I could. 

Sometimes, I failed, and Sebastian would try to talk to me. He seemed so concerned, but I had convinced myself it was merely an act.

“Fritz,” He would say. “Please talk to me, I want to know why you’re upset. I’m really worried and I-”

I simply shook my head. “No.”

“But Fritz,” He would continue. “I want to understand. I just want to understand.”

I would shake my head again. “No.”

This would go on until I would manage to get upstairs with him outside my door, trying to talk to me through the wood. I couldn’t hear half the words he said, but he didn’t care if he was talking to himself, it seemed.

He played the piano with Mina, and I could hear it from my room. It was beautiful whenever I heard them playing. I wish I hadn’t embarrassed myself so much that I had to hide in my room.

It was nighttime when Mina planned her ‘attack’ to talk to me.

“Fritzie!” Mina called from outside my door. “Fritzie… please open the door.”

“Fritz, we love you and want you to be happy!” Charlotte was out there too. 

I didn’t answer. I snuggled deeper into my quilt, trying to ignore them. 

“Look,” She began. “I’m opening the door. I’m going to provide support whether you like it or not. You need it, you deserve it. I want to be here for you. It may be tough to talk about things, but at some point, it’s the best thing you can do. Don’t let things bottle up, just let it out. I’m not mad at you, I never could be.”

“Me too!” Charlotte shouted. “I have unconditional love and support, fear me!”

I heard the door open, and I hid my face in my pillow. I didn’t want to talk about what had happened. I didn’t want to look at anyone after that day. 

I felt someone sit on my bed and they started to stroke my back. It felt good, but I tried to move away from it, but I couldn’t. I was cornered. It was probably Mina from the way she did it. After a long moment, I betrayed my previous thought and turned over, letting Mina see my red, teary eyes. She would be so upset at me, I thought, so upset at what I had become. So upset at what I really was. 

“Fritz,” She whispered, stroking my cheeks. “Why are you so upset? Do you want to sit up?”

I did as she told me, and Charlotte sat next to me, hugging me close to her. Why did everyone think I needed to be held like a small child? It felt nice though, I had to say. It was almost like he embraced me, understanding and warm. I accepted what I had been given. 

“Aw, my poor baby…” She said, squeezing me at bit. “I want you to be happy and now you’re just a sad little potato. It’s okay, sad potato, I’m here and Mina’s here.”

Mina took my hand, before looking at Charlotte. “Sad…potato? Babe, did you just call him a sad potato?”

“Yes,” She said quite contentedly. “That’s what he is, and he needs to be a happy potato.”

I giggled a bit into the embrace. Was I that pathetic that I looked like a potato. Sure, I was sad. But a potato?

“See look, that’s a start.” Charlotte smiled, stroking through my hair. “Good potato.”

“Now, Fritz…” Mina said, putting a hand on my back. “I think I know what’s bothering you. You’ve only come downstairs for food and water in the last week...and not even that. I don’t want you to stay holed up in here forever, Fritz. I really don’t. And Sebastian doesn’t want that for you either. He’s sad you got embarrassed and wants to see you again, of course when you feel better. He’s come over a few times to ask if you’d like to spend time with him…even though he’s made you upset two times.”

He…still cared about me? I couldn’t quite believe it. Why would a stranger care about me, even after acted so inappropriately and childishly in front of him? Mina was probably just saying that. She probably was. I snuggled deeper into the embrace, trying not to tear up again. 

Charlotte noticed this, raising her eyebrows. “Babe, I think he’s upset again.”

“Fuck.” She whispered. 

Mina took me from her, hugging me tightly around the middle. “Oh, Fritz, it’s alright, he isn’t mad at you. He knows what you’ve gone through. He’s gone through stuff too, he understands. I know you’ve only seen him upset you, but he understands…sort of.”

I looked up at her. “Really?”

“Yes, really.” Mina said. “Some people are just…like that? Is that the proper word?”

Charlotte nodded. “Yep, you’re right. It’s like how we met-”

Mina shot her a look. Her eyes met Charlotte’s murky brown ones with a shock, it seemed. “We are not telling that story to him. No.”

“Oh my god…” Charlotte groaned. “It’s not that bad.”

My sister gestured to me. “Baby sad potato.”

Charlotte rolled her eyes. “He’s sixteen, just a sad potato.”

Mina pointed to my head again. “Baby sad potato.”

“Okay, okay.” She nodded. “No story. I get it. I thought it would give him some hope that even fucking trash like me can have someone wonderful love them.”

Love…someone? Were they implying that Sebastian…loved me? No, no. It was two days. Who falls in love in two days? Not him, not anyone in real life. Only people in the myths and storybooks I admired but didn’t carry their lessons into real life. Who would? I didn’t deserve to be loved, not even by Mina or Charlotte, but yet it was there. I wasn’t in Berlin anymore, I wasn’t with him, but yet I still had his voice in my head, and he said I wasn’t allowed to love anyone. I shook those incredulous thoughts of Sebastian out of my head. Why would he love someone who was described as a ‘sad potato’?

Could he love me, though? I thought.

No. Bad Fritz, bad Fritz. 

Mina looked at her girlfriend. “You aren’t trash, babe, and especially not fucking trash.”

“Babe, I am.” She said, looking Mina in the eye. “But you love me anyways, I still can’t believe why. Be it because of me or my car, you’ll decide that.”

My sister laughed. “Your car is shit. I love you.”

She smiled at her, pushing a lock of her own recently dyed blue hair away from her eyes. “Love you too, Babe. Never will stop either.”

They both looked at me, torturing myself with my questions. 

“I’m scaring you.” Charlotte said, burying her face in her hands, sighing. I didn’t want her to think she made a mistake. 

“No” I squeaked out. I put a shaky hand on Charlotte’s shoulder, and she looked at me and grinned. 

She stroked over my hair. I smiled slightly. “Do you want to come downstairs with us, Fritz? There’s oranges, I know you love them, and you need some sort of food shit.”

I nodded. It was about time.

~*~

After two nights of restless sleep, trips to the bathroom with my pair of scissors and useless weeping at the sink, I decided to go downstairs again for more than three minutes after that night. 

I would have stayed in my room, but Mina only wanted the best for me. Which meant I was forced to go downstairs with ‘gentle encouragement’, which consisted of bribes of pancakes and fruit. I couldn’t resist after a while.

I walked down the stairs carefully, minding that one step I didn’t like very much. I was about hallway down and was greeted with Sebastian at the piano. He heard my steps and turned around to stare at me. 

“Fritz.” He muttered, stepping towards me. “I’ve been really worried about you-“

I looked him in the eye, a thing I didn’t frequently do. “No.” I said quietly. Why was he worried? I didn’t know him. 

He helped me down the last two steps and sat back to his piano. He patted the space next to him, hoping that I would sit next to him to listen. The piano was absolutely beautiful, to me anyways. It was an old spinet-style with scratched dark wood, probably the marks from Opa’s childhood. This was the house he grew up in after all. When I locked myself in my room, I could still hear it. I could tell who was playing, though. Mina had a different style from Sebastian, but when they played together, it fit. It was absolutely beautiful…I wish my father hadn’t stopped lessons for me all those years ago, I could have actually made something of myself. My wishes didn’t matter. And I wasn’t worth those wishes anyway.

He was in front of me again, grabbing me by the scruff of my neck.

“Playing silly instruments will get you nowhere in life.” He yelled when he caught me playing my Mother’s old piano. “Get off the fucking piano, now.”

I had fearfully nodded, but he still lunged at me. 

Sebastian noticed my face changed, and hurriedly walked back to where I was, grasping my hand. I looked at him, confused. 

“Come sit next to me.” He said, gently pulling me towards the bench. “I want to play for you.”

I pulled back and pointed to the sofa. He nodded, hopefully understanding. 

“Sit wherever you like,” He said. “I just want to play music to help you feel better.”

“It won’t help.” I whispered. Sebastian looked over his shoulder. 

“What, Fritz?”

I shook my head, waving my hand at him. “No.”

He smiled at me, and turned back to his piano, pulling up the cover on the keys. Once he set his hands down, I closed my eyes. His timing was erratic, and some of his notes weren’t fluent with the loudness or the softness of the piece, but I didn’t notice any of this in the moment. He kept on playing, trying anything to get his music to reach me. I tried not to let it get to me, no song could fix me and what I couldn’t change but yet it was too easy to catch me in the moment. Too easy for me to give in to him. He was the Orpheus of the piano and I couldn’t escape his entrancing song, not even the trees could resist to sway outside the window. I slowly found myself standing up, walking towards him. I had to be near him, no matter how scared I was.

He was still playing as I stood behind him, wondering if he was actually an angel sent to me, sent to help me. Or, was he just human but a good soul. No, no human ever could be as kind as him or Mina or Charlotte. All of them were too kind to be human. That simply wasn’t how it worked. 

Sebastian stopped playing in an instant, looking back at me. His eyes were teary, and he didn’t look like his usual self. Hesitantly, I choose to sit next to him. He took my hand gently and I didn’t pull away.

“Fr…Fritz?” He mumbled, his voice shaking. “Why are you sitting next to me?”

“I…” I started. I don’t know if was able to finish. 

“I understand,” He said, wrapping his arms around me tightly. “I understand now.”

I looked at him. “Do…you?”

“Yes, yes.” He said, running his fingers through my messy curls. I gave in to it. “Mina…she might have filled me in on a bit.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Oh.” 

“My mother…no, someone who hurts you shouldn’t be called that.” He began, choosing his words carefully. “That woman, she abused me, only until somebody finally noticed I wasn’t okay like I told them. They could see through my forced smiles. My new parents, no, my actual parents, they adopted me. I know what you’ve gone through, it may not be exactly the same, but I know. I understand.”

I tilted my head slightly. “Sebastian…”

He smiled at me, despite his sad eyes. “I truly care about you; I’m not acting out of guilt. I truly do care.”

I bowed my head. “Thank you.” I muttered.

“I want you to trust me though.” He said, squeezing my hand. “I know that will take a while, but I want you to know you can trust me.”

I nodded, even though I didn’t quite believe it. I know I should have, but my mind did what it wanted. You couldn’t stop me from thinking the worst, or from thinking that others were acting out of guilt. It was impossible.

“I just hope you’re not doubting me…I truly do love and care about you. I want that to be known.” How did he know I was doubting him?

Sebastian held me closer, but finally, I pulled away from him. I pulled away as fast as I could. He couldn’t stop me from my instincts, he couldn’t stop me from anything. I sat back down on the couch, holding a soft pillow to my chest and resting my head on it. He was about to stand up, but I waved my hand at him. 

“Don’t.” I said, looking him in the eye. What effect did my ugly eyes have on him?

“Do you want me to play for you?” He asked me, smiling sadly. “I certainly want to, but I-“

“Play.” I said, quickly. “Please.”

Maybe this new friendship, this odd relationship would help me in some way. I couldn't be too hopeful though.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Just a quick warning- There is mentions of Self-Harm in this Chapter so if you're sensitive, please be warned. Thank you for reading!

I sat next to him on the bench outside. It was nighttime and I should have gone back inside Opa’s house, but it was too tempting an offer to spend time with him. He set down a plate of oranges next to me and gestured to the sky. I took a bite of one of the slices as he began to talk to me after several wordless minutes. 

“That’s Leo, right there.” Sebastian said, pointing to a small set of stars. “It…you know what, it looks nothing like a lion. No freaking Greek is going to tell me any different.”

I smiled at him slightly. He deserved that smile, and every smile I could bear to give him, be it faked or the rare true, happy smile. It was so dark out, and the sky was clear, clearer than it seemed to be in Berlin. It was absolutely beautiful here. It was beautiful there too, but terrifying. The whole city held people like my father, but yet the rest of the world did too. I knew that, but Berlin was infested with people exactly like him. But not here, definitely not. I was safe- safer here, I had him to protect me, no matter how much I said I didn’t deserve it. The air was fresh, and the sky was always clear as day, even at night. Diana blessed us with the diamonds of the heavens, scattered around for us to discover. The stars sparkled like his eyes sometimes. I could tell he wasn’t an earthly figure and I didn’t care if it was just my overactive imagination. He was an angel. Sebastian got so excited over constellations, just as he did with music. The past three weeks after he played for me, everything seemed to get better. Maybe this would help heal, even just a little, make me less broken and weak.

“Do you have a favourite constellation?” He asked me, hesitantly taking my hand.

I looked at him, shaking my head. “No.”

“I should’ve thought so…” He nodded. “You need one. You seem like a star person.”

I couldn’t prevent myself from laughing and shaking my head. He smiled at me. 

“I love when you laugh and smile, you seem so happy...” He said, squeezing my hand. “Even though I care the same when you’re not. Friends should, even though not many follow through with that.”

“Really?” I said, frowning slightly.

“I wouldn’t say what I didn’t mean.” He said. 

I rolled my eyes at him.

“I just want you to know how much I care about you, you’re my new friend.” He said, smiling. “You need to know how much I care about you.”

I shook my head. Whenever he said things like that, it confused me. I still didn’t get why he cared about me, even if I was feeling a bit better about everything. I was still the same person I was when I first came here. He noticed that my face changed by his eyes, and I just looked away. 

“Fritz,” He said, moving closer. “Are you alright?”

I just stared at him. He had such beautiful eyes. He deserved them; he definitely did. They were dark, but yet all they held were light, that beautiful light that I never had or deserved. He tucked one of my curls behind my ear, pulling me closer to him.

“I just want you to be okay.” Sebastian said, continuing to play with my hair. I looked at him, smiling slightly again before frowning. He was too good for me.

“I…” Was I going to speak? I didn’t know if I could, but I would try. “I…don’t.”

He looked at me, confused. “Fritz, what do you…don’t? Is that even a sentence that I said?”

“No,” I shook my hand free and looked away. “I don’t…deserve you.”

“This is the first time you say more than three words together to me,” He began, his eyes filling with worry. “And you choose those words to say that ‘you don’t deserve me’?”

I nodded without regret. “Yes.”

“I know you don’t think so.” He said, trying to take my hand again. “I know you don’t, you’d do anything to tear yourself apart, but I think you’re what I needed to heal too. You can’t leave me now.”

I shook my head, and he sighed. 

“It may not seem like it, but please, one day I hope you’ll realize what I say is only the truth.”

It wasn’t the truth, Sebastian. But I kept entertaining your view of the truth as long as I could before I couldn’t anymore. I really wished that he would stop saying such nice things about me, but it seemed as if I couldn’t stop him. I gave in to him and rested my forehead on his shoulder and I could just imagine the smile he had on his face. He always smiled so nicely. If anything happened in the last three weeks, it was that he became happier, but it wasn’t just a façade. He was truly happy. Even if I was only putting on an act for him, it did make me feel at least a little bit of joy that I, for some odd reason, made him happy again. 

If that was my only purpose here, so be it. At least now, I had a purpose in life. I had to keep him happy or else I would just be taking up someone’s valuable place on Earth. It was funny how someone like me could become a source of happiness to what I thought was an angel’s life…when I obviously didn’t deserve it.

“You should go back to your house,” Sebastian began, letting go of me finally. “I want you to get rest…”

He always said that, but I never answered. I never got rest anyways. I didn’t have the heart to tell him what I actually did during the night. I looked away, turning to the plate of unfinished oranges. 

“Do you want anymore, Fritz?” He asked me. “I could wrap them up in a napkin for you.” 

I shook my head at him. “No.”

“I’ll just bring more tomorrow.” He said, smiling. 

I nodded, faking another smile. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, right?” Sebastian asked me, his eyes shining with some sort of hope. “Right, Fritz?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

He took my hand once more, squeezing it gently. “Goodnight to you, Fritz.”

I nodded again, squeezing back. “Night.”

“Just…be careful, Fritz.” Sebastian said, eyes filling with worry suddenly.

I smiled softly at him. “I will.”

He got up and pulled me with him, gently letting go of my hand. Sebastian gathered his bag and the plate and looked back at me one more time before going on his way. I don’t why he did that, but he always did before he left me. I wasn’t anything to look at, really. But yet I looked at him too, slightly smiling. 

“Sebastian.” I said softly. He had such a beautiful name, such a beautiful name to match his beautiful eyes. 

And as I walked back from the bench, I felt some sort of peace, that same peace I felt when I read or listened to music. I couldn’t believe how he could have this effect on me, but somehow, he did. He was my angel on Earth, the one I would never deserve…though I could never let him know that. No! Never!

Knowing that I would never deserve him made me incredibly sad, and I would make sure it would stay just as it was for now. I could never love him, and he could never love me, not matter how much he said he cared and worried for me. I stopped thinking about him for the time being. I had an act to put on; I couldn’t break down again in front of everyone. 

As I stepped up the stairs of the porch, Mina greeted me by ruffling my hair softly. I laughed a bit at this gesture; she had been doing that for years and never would stop, it seemed. Charlotte was sitting at the table inside with Opa Johannes, drinking either coffee or tea. I couldn’t tell.

“Fritz! You were out for so long!” Charlotte said, taking a quick sip from her mug. “Shit, you’re starting to like this Sebastian guy a lot…” 

I felt my cheeks heat up quickly, too quickly. 

Mina elbowed her and shot her a glance. “Babe-“

“What?” She groaned, setting down her cup. “I’m only speaking the truth.”

Was it that obvious that I did? I would never admit she was right to anyone, but somehow Charlotte had once again caught on. I didn’t know how she did that so easily. She was some sort of psychic…or Oracle, I swear. She could even pick up on Mina’s well-put-together façade…that made sense, though. They had known each other long enough.

“It’s alright to like someone, Fritz.” Charlotte said while my sister glared at her. “It’s normal, and I want you to know that. Sebastian is a nice turd, after all.”

“Don’t call him a turd, Charlotte.” Mina mumbled to her.

She groaned again, grinning playfully at my sister. “What? He made my sad potato upset, be it his fault or not. He is still a turd, a fucking turd, excuse me, in my eyes.”

“You said that so…smoothly.” Mina said, shocked. “I don’t know what to say to that.”

She snorted. “Maybe, I think he’s a turd too?”  
“He isn’t a turd!” Mina said. “Very talented kid let me tell you. He can play Bach, for god’s sake.”

Opa shook his head. “I agree. Such a nice boy, he is.”

“Everyone could play shit like Bach,” Charlotte said, rolling her eyes dramatically. “I call turd alert!”

My sister huffed when she saw my face. “Look, you’re confusing him. You want him to know it’s okay to like people, but look what you’re doing? You’re calling Sebastian a turd, and it’s not okay to do that. He likes him, okay? He’s not a bad kid, take it from a wiser gay…”

“Phft!” Charlotte said. “If you’re the wise gay, I’m the gay with fabulous shoes.”

She put her shoes up on the coffee table, watching as the pastel rainbow sparkles twinkled in the dim light. “Shoes, bitches.”

Mina sighed. “Why did you get those?”

Charlotte looked her dead in the eye, pointing at her shoes. “Because, shoes, babe. So cheap, so rare…”

“To buy them, it’s only fair?” She finished, laughing.

“You certainly have a knack for jokes, Mina.” Opa chuckled, setting his mug on the table. 

I started giggling too, trying to stop myself. If only I had shoes like that. I wish I could wear such shoes like that, to be as confident as she was…no, I didn’t deserve that, I definitely didn’t. Charlotte was beautiful and had style and I…I wasn’t what she was. I was no Adonis or Ganymede, especially with my ugly eyes.

“You should be proud you look like me.” He spat in my face, running his hand over the bruise he just created on my cheek. “It’ll always remind you to respect your elders, like the shithead you are.”

I tried not to whimper at the memory, but it just escaped my throat. Mina put her arm around my shoulders, smiling at me softly. I snuggled closer to her, and I knew it was time for me to go to bed. I was slowly sinking into Morpheus’s arms, and I felt too tired to even cut that night. That was partially a good thing, as my newest marks still burned on my right arm. I didn’t notice it as much, though. Sleep and Sebastian were the only things that seemed to be on my mind. 

Maybe being with Sebastian was a good thing, maybe he would help me to stop giving myself new scars. I would keep what I was unfairly given the way it was…I couldn’t love him, nor could he love me. I just had to accept that, no matter how much my mind begged to differ. I wasn’t worth my oh-so-lovable Achilles, my Apollo. Even though my heart beat quicker whenever I saw him and my mood seemed to lift, I couldn’t my feelings for him become more than a silly crush, a little infatuation with something I could never even have.

“Go ahead, Fritzie.” She said, tucking a curl behind my ear. “Go get some sleep, you need it. I’m sure Sebastian’s going to ask you to hang out.”

I nodded. “He…said.”

“I want you to see him, don’t listen to Charlotte.” Mina stated, looking her girlfriend in the eye. “You do like him, I know that. From what I’ve seen, he likes you too…you’re probably denying that right now, but as your wise and very gay older sister, I can tell.”

“Fine.” Charlotte huffed. “He’s a nice kid, I agree. I just don’t want my potato to get hurt by a turd. I swear to god, my Saxon side will come out-” 

Opa shook his head. “He’s a good kid, or else I wouldn’t let him sit on my property. I wouldn’t let any punk sit on my good ol’ bench.”

“Thank you, Opa.” Mina snapped. “Now, Fritz, go get some rest.”

I nodded slowly. “Thank you.”

~*~

Today was the first day I had even thought of inviting Sebastian to my room. It had crossed my mind a couple times, but I decided he deserved to have a quiet space here too. He had been hesitant too, for what reason, I wouldn’t know. The bookshelf had caught his eye instantly, and he had gone on a tangent about Shakespeare’s sonnets. He had so many wonderful theories and ideas, I couldn’t take how smart he really was. I listened to him in amusement…well, tried to listen. Lately, it was hard to listen to him. I don’t know why I felt this way towards him, but I had to keep it secret. I didn’t deserve such a beautiful person as he.

“And that’s why I think those sonnets aren’t love poems.” Sebastian finished, closing his book of Shakespeare’s collected works. “They mention dying way too much for a love poem, and the fact that they were possible written around the time of Hamnet’s death? Ridiculous! They’re for his son, not some made up mistress.”

I nodded, clapping my hands. He bowed his head, smiling at me. 

“It’s true!” He said, smiling even wider. “I’ve read these things a ton, I should be coming up with more conspiracy theories.”

I tried to string together a sentence, but I once again failed. “I’ve…read.”

His eyes widened. “Really?”

I nodded again. “Yes.”

“Do you have any thoughts about them?” He asked me, sitting next to me on the bed. I looked at him, my cheeks heating up. Why did he always like to sit so close to me…Damn it, Sebastian. You don’t know how much I’m trying not to kiss you. 

I looked up at him. “I…” I couldn’t finish my sentence. 

He took my hand gently, suddenly looking more concerned. “Fritz, are you okay?”

I just kept looking at him, my ugly eyes widened to the point of popping out of my head. Standing up, I tried to pull may hand away from him. He didn’t let go, and I pulled him up with me. I tried shaking my hand away, but he just wouldn’t let me escape his grasp. 

“Well,” He sighed. “You’re obviously not okay, and I don’t care how much you shake my hand away, I am not letting- hey!”

I finally shook my hand free and raced to the other side of the room. I wished that he would just leave me alone, alone to ponder on what I couldn’t have, but he was relentless. Sebastian sat down next to me on the floor, putting his arms around me tightly. Pulling me to him, I tried to wiggle out of it, but damn, I was too weak to do anything. He stroked my hair calmly, resting his head on mine. I started to feel my pulse rise and my head became lighter, more bearable than before. Oh, no. He couldn’t be doing this to me, not right now! 

“It’s alright, Fritz...” Sebastian said. “I know things are upsetting, but it’s alright. I’m here for you- I’m here to help you, I don’t care that you’re upset. I want to help you. Oh, Fritz…You’re so beautiful-

I finally shook out of his hold, and my heart was beating so quickly I couldn’t help myself from breathing heavily.

“Don’t…” I started, panting. “Don’t touch me!”

His smile was wiped from his face. He tried to go near me. “Did I…do something wrong? Fritz, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know-”

I looked him straight in the eye. “Don’t.”

I ignored the loud steps and creaks up the stairs I heard. All I was focused on was trying to get him away from me. I stepped away from him once more, and it seemed as if we were dancing around the room.

“Fritz…Friedrich, I just want to know what I did wrong.” He tried to reason, grabbing my hand. “I care about you, and I just want to know you’re alright. Please, I love you, Fritz. I want you to be okay!”

I was stunned or else I would have fought him off again.

“Me…?” I muttered.

“Yes, you. Who else?” He asked me, not even surprised by his own words. “I’m your friend.”

Of course. My friend. Sebastian, you fool me every day.

“Fritz,” He said, pulling me close to him. I didn’t resist this time. “Why were you scared of me sitting next to you? Were you afraid I would hurt you?” 

I shook my head. “No.”

You would never understand, Sebastian. I didn’t deserve you, and I was trying my hardest to make sure I would never have you for myself. We were just friends and I would keep it that way. Please, don’t make me doubt myself.

“Listen the fuck up!” A voice yelled from outside the door. 

I turned my head away from Sebastian and looked to my left. Charlotte was angrily strutting into the room, her eyebrows knitted together. She removed me from him and protectively put her arms around me, tightly, I must add.

“Did you fucking try anything, turd?” She yelled at him, her grasp on me getting tighter. “That is my potato you’re trying to hurt!”

Sebastian shook his head violently. “No! No! I sat down next to him and-“

Charlotte huffed. “When Mina comes home, you are in big shitting trouble, you stupid fucking turd!” 

I looked up at her, shaking my head. “Charlotte-“

She looked down at me, her gaze softening. “It’s alright, sad potato. I’m defending you from turd-face.”

Charlotte looked back at Sebastian, her piercing stare cast upon him. “Now, what the fuck did you do to him? Did you attempt anything? I don’t care if the police show up, if you hurt him, I will kick you with my good shoes!”

“He didn’t do…” I started, trying to reason. “anything.”

“What?” She muttered, looking down at me. “You literally screamed ‘Don’t touch me’. Did I take that wrong?”

I nodded. “Yes.” 

“Oh, well shit.” She said, letting me go. “Did you just get upset?”

My cheeks heated up again. “Yes.”

“Oh…” Charlotte muttered, just realizing the situation. She turned to Sebastian again, blankly stating: 

“Sebastian, he likes you.”

I looked at her angrily. “Charlotte!”

It was his turn for his cheeks to turn a bright pink and for his eyes to widen. He look at her, and then back at me, and then back at her and finally back to me. “What…? I mean, what?”

“He likes you!” She yelled at Sebastian again before I stepped out my bedroom door quietly. 

Oh, was I upset.

“Sebastian, he likes you, for some reason. A lot.” I could hear Charlotte explain. “And I’m suspecting you like him back…?”

I didn’t hear a response. I felt as if I had been shot with an arrow and it landed right at my heel. Oh, I was upset. I was so upset. I loved Charlotte, but she shouldn’t have told him that. I was so, so, so upset in that moment. He would never want to see me now; he would never come back! I didn’t deserve it anyways; I didn’t deserve him anyways. If Sebastian went away, he was only doing the right thing to get away as far as possible from the monster I was. If he wouldn’t, I would.

I grabbed my pair of scissors before I speeded to the bathroom and sobbed over the sink. I cried in vain, for the love of Niobe, pushed away the shoulders of my sweater. I didn’t care how hard I was pressing, I didn’t care where I was cutting, I needed relief, and I needed it now. 

“Fritz…” I heard Charlotte say outside my door. “Are you alright?”

I didn’t answer her. I dragged the blade across my chest, not caring if it went up to my neck. She knocked on the door, and I ignored it.

“Fritz!” She said loudly. “I only wanted to help, I’m sorry! I’m so, so, so, so sorry!”

The warm felt good around my shoulders, around my chest. I didn’t remember, for a moment, the pain of having Sebastian know about my completely impossible feelings for him. I looked down to my sleeves and gently pushed them up. I took my scissor, dragging it across my forearm. I had never cut there before, but there was a first time for everything. 

I heard Charlotte walk away, but yet I still felt as if someone was there, sitting outside the door. That was stupid. He wouldn’t want to stay after what happened.


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, thank you for reading! This chapter has some sensitive topics (Self-Harm and Suicide), so please be warned if you are sensitive!

It was a couple days after that horrible event in my life that I realized nothing was worth it anymore.

The sky became duller, the stars became dimmer, and my life became useless. The summer seemed to get colder and everything was wrong. I deserved what would eventually come to me, the only thing that would be in my control.

“Fritz, It’s alright.” Mina said, trying to calm me that night. “It is Charlotte’s fault in this case, but Sebastian doesn’t hate you. He doesn’t. He’s fine, you’re fine. It’s alright to love someone, Father made me think I wasn’t worthy of love either. Look what happened. I may be in a relationship with an, ahem, impulsive idiot, but I still love her all the same. You deserve all the love you can get. Remember what Mama used to say? ”

I looked up at her, my eyes and cheeks red. “No…”

“But you do, you deserve so much. Father isn’t here to lie to you anymore.” She said, hugging me closer. “From now on, you aren’t going to be lied to anymore, manipulated, that’s a better word. If you like him, you should tell him.”

“He…” I started slowly. “doesn’t want to…see me.”

“He’s probably thinking the same as you, why should I deserve him?” She continued. “But he deserves you as much as you deserve him. Sebastian’s a wonderful kid and I don’t think he would be mad at you for liking him. He isn’t mad at you, I know it.”

Mina sighed at me. “Fritz…you need to trust me. Just, please.”

“No.” I shook my head again. “No…”

“Friedrich-“ She began, pulling me closer. “You have to believe me. You have no choice.”

“I do.” I mumbled, trying to pull away only for her to tighten her grip. 

“Fritzie, please!” She said, a bit loudly for my taste. “I am so worried about you; I just want you to be safe and happy. Which you’re obviously not, I know.”

“Please,” I said. “I’m okay.”

She shook her head and sighed. “No, you aren’t, Fritz. You’re hurt and sad and letting this get to your head. He’s been coming over late at night and you’re sleeping by then. He’s so worried about you… Fritz, he cares about you. You deserve his care. You’re not okay on your own.”

I shook my head violently. “No!”

“He’s going to be here tonight, I know it.” Mina said, taking my hand. “He was here last night; he’ll be back to see you. If you can…please talk to him.”

Charlotte peeped in from behind the door. “Everything alright, babe?”

She looked past me. “No, he’s really sad and upset…it’s kind of your fault.”

“My fault?” Charlotte gasped. “I was only speaking my mind!”

“You told Sebastian that your ‘potato’ liked him, and everything went downhill from there!” She shouted at her, not holding back. “He’s upset, really upset. He says he’s been feeling sick too.”

“Sick…?” She mumbled. “Oh shit, I am so, so sorry.”

“You better be, Charlotte.” Mina growled at her. “You better be. He’s a poor wreck, and I don’t know what to do.”

“He needs to talk to him.” Charlotte called. “Poor…kid, not turd, has been coming here every day. He even left a package for Fritz yesterday, on the counter.”

Mina sighed. “I know, I was there.”

That’s all I didn’t want to do. Sometimes, in my daydreams, I told him I liked him and frequently I would imagine him kissing me… but that was when I was in a good mood which only occurred when I was with him. I would quickly shake myself out of these thoughts only to cry myself to sleep later in the day, knowing for sure I didn’t deserve for him to reciprocate my feelings. Now he knew, but still supposedly came to visit me. Maybe he had just forgotten what Charlotte had said, maybe he wasn’t mad at me. But god, I knew he was. He had to be, that was the only thing I deserved from him.

“I…” I didn’t really know what to say to her. Maybe I should try at least to talk to him.

“Just do it, please.” She plead, stroking my hair, trying anything to get me to speak to him. “Try it, for me.”

“I…can’t.” I said, burying my face in my hands. “Time.”

“What?” Charlotte muttered. “Time?”

“He needs time, he means.” Mina explained. “He needs to be alone.”

I wouldn’t have time to talk to him, Mina. I would be gone by then. How would I even leave you easily? It would be hard, but I would do it. 

“Mina…” I started. How would I say goodbye?

She looked at me, ruffling my curls. “Yes, Fritzie?”

“I…um…” I was such a coward.

Mina took me into her arms one last time, stroking over my curls. I snuggled into the embrace. It could be my last one, so I decided to simply enjoy it. She laughed when she felt me hugging her back tighter and rested her head on mine.

“If you need anything,” She started, kissing the top of my head. “Just come downstairs, or yell.”

I nodded. “I…love you.”

“You too, my Fritzie.” She said, squeezing me tighter one more time before getting up. “If you need anything, I’ll be downstairs. Just please, you won’t bother me if you do. All I want is for you to be safe and happy.”

I nodded again. Oh, how could I even dare to lie to my own sister? I was such a horrible person. A horrible and undeserving person of what I had been given. How could I do this to her? How could I put this on my sister, who had already been through so much? How was I so able to go this easily? I was a monster; I was just like father was. No, even he was better than what I had become. 

Mina joined Charlotte out the door and closed the door behind them. They seemed to still be arguing with each other…I couldn’t quite tell. Everything on the outside sounded muddy to me. All I heard was my breathing.

I burrowed more into my quilt, burying my face into my pillow. I had to wait a couple minutes before I could even try anything. I heard them talking again outside, and my silence was broken. All I heard was the quick back and forth of Charlotte and Mina. I didn’t hear anyone else with them. Maybe Opa was either sleeping or somewhere else. Why did it seem so hard now? Couldn’t I just go? Was it harder than I thought it was?

Once I slit my wrists, it would be delightfully easy. Thank god I had gotten used to the pain of my other scars; this would be nothing compared to what I had done before. I could faintly hear them again, probably worrying over me too much. They wouldn’t have me on their plate for long. I would be gone, and I would hope they would be happier without me. I really hope they understood why it was necessary to go, why it was easier for me to go now rather than later. I would miss them, I would, but I would finally be gone. What’s final is final.

I started breathing heavily, the weight of the situation falling all at once on my chest. I closed my eyes quickly, praying to any god for that awful feeling to just stop. I was going to die. I was going to be dead.

I sat up on the bed, looking around my room. It was a nice short while here, but I never deserved any of it. I got up, walked over to my dresser and pulled out my notebook. I tore two pages from it; one would be for Mina, Charlotte and Opa and the other for Sebastian. I would write them two notes, attempting to explain the situation. They would never understand, but I would try. Funny, I saved my last moments to actually try.

My hands were shaking so violently that I could barely write anything good:

“Dear Mina, Charlotte, and Opa-

Good Morning. If you’re reading this, I’m dead.

I’m dead for a reason, and you might not understand that. You may think I was manipulated to the point of believing things that weren’t even close to the truth, but no. What I was told all my life was the absolute truth. My life was meant to end short, maybe to some, but just long enough to me. I have seen a lot of stuff for being sixteen, and quite frankly, I didn’t wish to see any more of the world after my experiences. I didn’t deserve to live on, and I hope you understand that.

I hope you understand that I love you all, and I hope everything turns out better because I do love you all. Don’t look at this as losing someone. I lost myself. I’m just gone now; you didn’t lose me. I sincerely hope you all understand. I love you.

Charlotte, I hope your pastel pieces sell and you get more fabulous boots. Opa, I hope you finally get a broom you like and even better oranges than the ones you threw out disappointedly last week. Mina, I hope your name becomes more famous than Bach himself and that one day, you’ll dominate the world with your compositions. 

Wherever I go, I’ll pray for your happiness because even though I am dead, I still love you all. 

You might be thinking, if you did love me, why did you leave me? Well, the simple answer is that I wasn’t meant to live on. I lived longer than many in history, and I’m thankful I had this time here. It made me realize that I didn’t deserve squat, and everything that happened to me reinforced that thought in me.

Please understand. I love you.

-Fritz

The paper was a bit wet after I was done. I couldn’t prevent tears rising into my eyes after writing this note. Oh, it felt so hard now. I would never get to see any of my wishes play out…it would all be worth it in the end. I wouldn’t be there, and they wouldn’t worry about me anymore. It was truly the perfect ending for me. 

How would I write my note to Sebastian? What would I write to him…oh, this has to be the hardest part about going. It isn’t about when you actually take a blade to your wrists, it’s explaining your actions to those who you loved. I loved him, there was no denying that fact. Whether I would tell him or not in my note, god, it would still be hard.

Tears ran down my cheeks. Oh, Sebastian. What would I do?

I began to write as best as could. Even I could barely read what I wrote:

Dear Sebastian,

I killed myself, even though you kept on telling me I was what you needed to heal. I’m dead and I wanted to let you know it wasn’t your fault. I was too selfish to live on but yet I was also too unworthy of living on. I know you’ll find someone else who loved you as much I did. Yes, that’s right. I loved you. 

I’m not sure if you saw me as more than a friend, but I did truly love you. I don’t know how someone could fall for another in such a short time, but you are the answer, I realized. You’ll find someone one day who is more worthy of your care and worrying, someone not like me. 

You deserve to live on and find love and be as successful as you can be, I want all of that for you. I want you to forget about me. I wasn’t in your life very long. I’d be very happy if you just forgot me, even though I would be happy with whatever you did. Just please, forget me.

Please watch the stars with a smile on your face. I love you forever.

-Fritz

I had written what I needed. It was time to go.

I took my scissors from my bag, along with the two notes that I placed in my robe’s pocket. My steps were too heavy towards my bedroom door. What was I scared of? I couldn’t be scared of going, not now. This is what I had to do, no matter what anyone else said. It was scary, now that I was actually going to do it, but I had to. This is what I was fated to do. Nothing could change fate.

They would just have to accept that I wouldn’t be there anymore. It would be alright in the end. Less money to waste, one less place at the table. I would finally be gone. I exited my bedroom with a smile on my face, despite the tears running down my cheeks. I could do it. I had to do it.

I looked back at the hallway once more before stepping into the bathroom, closing the door as quietly as possible. It made a small noise. Damn.

Gazing at myself in the mirror, I silently said goodbye. Goodbye to a monster I would soon be free of. Oh, I was such a wretch, an ugly monster of a wretch! What was I kidding? Sebastian would’ve never loved me. My mind was fucked up. I took off my robe, throwing it on the ground. I sat on it, pulling up my sleeves to reveal my wrists, untainted by scars. I ran my fingers over them, sadly thinking the state in which I would leave them. 

“Goodbye.” I muttered quietly, running my scissors lightly over my left wrist. 

It didn’t leave a mark. Pathetic. I changed the angle of the scissors and pressed deeper, and finally blood came up. I looked at it, disgusted. I cut deeply again. And again. And again. I cut repeatedly until I began to feel as if I couldn’t feel. Hopefully this would be enough for me to die with. If not, I always could take the overdosing route. It was bleeding a lot, too much for a normal cut. I began to think that, yes, I was going to die. 

I was spread out on the floor on top of my robe, letting my wrist bleed out. I couldn’t feel the pain of the cut, no, I only felt the pain of the situation. I was dying, I was going to die. I was going to leave Mina and Charlotte behind; I was going to leave him behind. I hope they would all forgive me eventually, but I didn’t even deserve that. I didn’t deserve for any of them to forgive me for what I did, and I accepted that. I was okay with that. 

Oh, I really hope Sebastian never found out about this.

I pressed the blade against my other wrist, dragging it across as deep as I could. I gasped a bit but continued to do what I was meant to do. I heard someone outside. Oh, damn!

“Fritz…?” I heard him say. “Are you there?”

I didn’t answer. I was completely petrified. Sebastian…he was there. Why did he decide to come over?

“I wanted to come check up on you…” He mumbled. “I know you’re listening. Maybe. Actually, I don’t know if you’re listening, but I’m here. I’m here for you.”

I heard someone lean against the door. I panicked. Oh, god, this couldn’t be happening, This couldn’t! All I wanted was for him to never find out about my death. I continued to cut my wrists in panic.

I heard him sigh. “I can hear movement. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk-“

Dropping my scissors accidentally, my stomach dropped when it made a noise. A recognizable noise to some. I heard Sebastian gasp slightly and stand up.

“Fritz?” He asked. Shit, he couldn’t have heard that! “What are you doing in there.”

I felt so lightheaded, but I had to make it look like I was okay. “Noth…Nothing!”

“Are you alright?” He asked. His voice had gotten panicked. I had never heard him like this. “Fritz, tell me you’re alright, tell me you’re okay!”

“I’m…” I began, mumbling my answers. God, my head was killing me. “I’m…”

Oh, this was my nightmare come true. Sebastian, why couldn’t you just have stayed home? I didn’t want you to see this, I really didn’t. I only wanted you to be saved from this sight, I wanted you to be safe from me.

“Fritz, “ He began. I could hear him put his hand on the doorknob. “I’m sorry, I’m coming in, I don’t care what I’ll see, I am so worried about you-“

I prayed for anything to stop him from opening the door…my head was too cloudy for anything to actually come to mind. I lay down again on my robe, letting my wrists bleed out beside me. Oh, god, please help me.

It felt as if a lightning bolt had hit me when Sebastian opened the door. Oh, his face couldn’t even be described when he saw me. Nothing could describe the fear and the shock that was evident in his face, the gasp that escaped his throat. His eyes widened, those beautiful dark eyes of his suddenly looked as if they had stared a Gorgon straight in the eye. He bent down next to me, staring at me in fear. Everything about him was panicked and shaking, no less than myself. A couple tears dripped down his freckled cheeks and suddenly he was the only thing that mattered, not dying. He was the only thing that mattered to me. 

He put a hand on my cheek, looking me in the eye. “Why, Fritz?”

I looked at him. My mind was blank. “I’m…sorry, I’m…sorry! “

“Oh, Fritz, oh…” Sebastian muttered, looking me over. “Oh my god, oh, god!” 

My eyes filled with tears again. “Sebastian…”

“How could you do this to yourself…oh, my Friedrich!” He asked, wiping my tears away gently. “How?”

“I…wanted to…um,” I mumbled. Ugh, everything hurt. “I…”

“No, don’t talk, no. Just stay there, stay there.” He said, rushing to stand up. I saw him run out the door, possibly going to get Charlotte or Mina-

And that was the problem. They would find out, the thing I wanted to happen only if I was dead, not barely alive as I was. If he knew now, they would know when he told them. I was practically dead already. 

It took a minute, but Sebastian ran back into the bathroom, taking a pack of bandages and a bottle of alcohol out of the mirror cabinet. After doing that, he turned on the faucet, wetting a couple paper towels. He sat down next to me, pulling me up so that he sat behind me. I leaned back, and his face nuzzled against my head.

“I’m…going to try to help you.” He said, softly kissing my cheek. His voice was shaking. “You’re going to be okay; I swear, you have to be okay for me!”

He gently grabbed one of my wrists and blotted it with the paper towel, which felt weird. I had given myself new scars on my previously clear wrists, many new scars that would be hard to cover. I cried quietly as he cleaned up my wrists, and every so often, he would kiss my messy curls, and I would cry more. He really did care, he really did! I didn’t deserve any of it, I didn’t. But what could I do to refuse it now? He was relentless, I couldn’t stop him. I felt so weak, but yet now I felt safe. Oh, if I could just express my love for him in that moment! 

I cursed silently. She would be so mad at me. I could imagine her face, her yelling at me for being so stupid enough to do this to myself…oh, I was such an idiot! Hopefully she wouldn’t find out about my other scars…oh, hopefully he wouldn’t either-

“Fritz,” He asked me. “Can I ask you something? Something Important?”

I nodded slowly. “Yes…”

“How long have you been doing this?” He frantically asked me. “If you got the idea to do this…”

I frowned slightly. “Um…”

Sebastian kissed the top of my head again. “It’s alright to tell me. I just want to know.”

I weakly gestured at my shoulders. “A long…time.”

He continued to blot my wrists, this time with alcohol. I winced at the burning. Oh, hell, it hurt! He noticed my eyes, shut tight from the burning, and kissed my cheek softly again. 

“You have to promise me to talk to me next time…” He whispered in my ear. “Even if this happens again, and god, that would kill me…you have to talk to me.”

Sebastian grabbed the roll of bandages and began to wrap it around firmly as to stop the bleeding. He made sure it wasn’t too tight, not to cut off my circulation. 

“I…promise.” I said tiredly. “I…”

I heard loud steps towards the bathroom, and Mina stood in front of us. She let out a small scream when she saw me on the floor with large cuts on my wrists, with Sebastian behind me, attempting to calm me. Charlotte followed her, sleepily rubbing her eyes.

When Charlotte finally saw us, she had definitely woken up.

“Oh, my fucking god!” She screamed at us. “Oh, my- shit!”

Mina put her arms around her. “Charlotte, it’s alright.”

Charlotte refused to calm down. “He fucking cut himself, he fucking-“ 

“Charlotte,” My sister whispered sleepily, kissing her on the cheek. “Don’t startle him.” 

She ran off, and Mina stayed behind to kneel next to me, taking my wrist in her hand. I couldn’t take her looking at me like that, her eyes just as teary as mine or Sebastian’s. She was obviously upset. Understandably upset. Oh, I had disappointed her so much!

“Fritzie…” Mina said, her voice wavering. “Oh, Fritzie, why did you think that…this was an option.”

“I…don’t know.” I said, close to a mumble. 

I felt a sob ring through my throat. Sebastian held me closer, wrapping his arms around me tightly. I turned in his embrace, and he kissed my forehead gently. Mina smiled at this, and patted Sebastian on the shoulder. 

“You love him.” She smiled. “I could tell.”

Sebastian nodded, probably smiling at the thought that I was in his arms. “I do.”

My head hurt so much. It was so hard to concentrate. I was so tired…it was either the blood loss or the lack of sleep. I wasn’t too sure at that moment. But Sebastian had calmed me so much that I could fall asleep right there and then. Obviously, Sebastian wasn’t going to stay with me, but it was nice to have him with me in this moment…to know he loved me back. To know he wasn’t going anywhere.

~*~


	6. Chapter Six

Everything had seemed to calm down, finally…

Except for Charlotte, who yelled every cuss in the book from her bedroom. She seemed to be yelling ‘fuck’ every two seconds, and Mina didn’t even dare go check on her until she finally calmed down. For a while, Sebastian looked as if he wanted to say something but couldn’t quite place his words. Eventually, He looked up from me and looked at Mina. 

“I’m staying over. I have to make sure he’s okay…” Sebastian said quietly to Mina. “Is that alright with you? I wouldn’t want to-“

I still lay in his arms, having my hair stroked through gently by him. Every so often, he would kiss my forehead or whisper something in my ear, but my head was pounding, and I could barely pay attention to what he was actually saying. My wrists felt like they were on fire with all of Hades’ flames, but my head was too fuzzy and the only thing I could partially pay attention was him. Oh, Sebastian. Why were you here for me now? What did I ever do to deserve you now when I all I did was attempt to take my own life? I decided that enjoying his warmth around me was the only option I had. I snuggled closer to him, and I heard Sebastian sigh. Oh, I loved him so much in that moment. 

Mina put a hand on his shoulder. “I would never mind if you did, Sebastian. Fritz needs you, obviously.”

“I wouldn’t want to scare him.” He said, his thumb stroking over my cheek. “I’ve upset him before.”

“He needs someone right now.” She reassured him, gesturing to my pathetic figure. “And I don’t think it was your fault. Whenever he likes something, he needs something…he tries to avoid it because he doesn’t think he deserves it. You can tell when he doesn’t like something.”

He nodded, running his fingers through my hair. I loved it when he did that. “I just need to go get some supplies and stuff from my house…I’ll be as quick as I can. My parents will understand, somewhat.”

Mina nodded. “That’s a good point…ask your parents first. If you come back, I’ll be grateful.”

“I’m coming back, I need to stay with him.” He said, looking me in the eye when he said that. “Even if they say no, which they probably won’t. You never know.”

“Just make sure first.” Mina said, smiling. “You can go, I’ll help him.”

His eyes drifted to mine again, and I longingly stared into his eyes. I had just wanted him to stay with me forever…wait, that was being selfish. I was being too selfish; I couldn’t have him all to myself. Sebastian leaned in and kissed me on the nose, smiling at me sadly. I couldn’t smile at him, but my eyes were smiling at him. It may not have been much, but he seemed to know that I was 

“I’m coming back, Schatzie.” He whispered in my ear. “I’m coming back and I’m going to make sure you’re safe. I’ll protect you…I just need pyjamas first. And an aspirin.”

I grinned slightly. “I have…stuff.”

Sebastian smiled. “You’re also way shorter than me.”

I looked away. “…True.”

“I’ll just be a minute, Fritz.” He said, kissing my nose softly again. “I need my pyjamas, I’ll be quick. Then I’ll stay with you all night, I’ll stay up all night if I have to make sure you’re safe.”

Mina shook her head. “You’re very kind to do this, Sebastian.” 

He squeezed me one more time before letting me go and blew a kiss at me before he left the bathroom. My cheeks turning pink, I caught him looking back at me again. Why did he like to do that all the time? I was nowhere near beautiful.

Now, Sebastian? He was an angel, my angel, with his beautiful dark eyes, filled with all of Helios’s rays of pure light. Whenever I had the chance, I would stare at him. Who wouldn’t stare at him if he was as beautiful as I thought he was? I loved him so much, I couldn’t even say. He was going to stay with me…how did I even deserve that in this moment? Maybe I did have something to live for after all, maybe Sebastian was my only reason to live. Or at least, he was something that would force me to live for him if he wasn’t my only life source. 

I woke up from my daydream when Mina wrapped her arms around me gently, kissing the top of my head softly. 

“Fritzie, oh my god…” She whispered to me. “I was so scared for you. I was so afraid that you would die.”

“I’m…here” I said, feeling my eyes water again. “I’m here.” 

She smiled at me. “You are. You’re here for a while, Fritzie. You’re here forever, while I’m alive.”

“I’m…” I began. “I’m so sorry, I’m sorry!”

I buried my face into her tight embrace, feeling the tears rise again. The situation was like a weight on my chest that not even Atlas could lift. I had tried to kill myself. I had tried to die. I had tried to enter the gates of Tartarus and thought I actually had control when it was my time to go. I did have that control, but now was not the time. It couldn’t be. I had to stay for Sebastian, I had to stay and help him. He loved me, he really loved me…maybe a little less than his pyjamas, but he did certainly love me somewhat. And Mina, I had to stay for her. And Charlotte. And Opa Johannes. I had to stay for my family.

She shushed me, running her hands through my hair calmly. I depended so much on Mina, I depended so much on her support. She probably felt horrible right now, horrible that she couldn’t prevent this from happening, but yet she was still calm. She wasn’t yelling at me, she wasn’t shaking me and screaming at me, she was being so caring and loving and oh, I didn’t deserve it after what I’ve done.

“It’s okay, Fritzie, it’s okay.” Mina said softly. “I’m not mad at you, not at all. I’m just sad that you wanted to do this…”

“It was…too much.” I said. “Too much.”

“Did Charlotte upset you?” She asked me, fixing my messy hair. “Did she upset you by telling him?”

Nodding, I wiped away a tear. Damn, my wrists hurt. Hopefully I didn’t cause any problems…

“She didn’t have any right to do that.” She grumbled, probably thinking about how idiotic Charlotte could be sometimes. “Seriously, I will have a talk with her.”

My eyes widened. Oh no, Charlotte didn’t deserve that. She was only trying to nudge me in the right direction. I loved Sebastian, there was no denying it. I loved him so much, he saved me. He took care of me. My mind was filled with him and I couldn’t help but have that warm feeling whenever I was with him or whenever I thought of him. I sighed at the Sebastian in my head and hugged my arms around myself. 

“You look like me when I first met Charlotte.” She laughed, hugging me tighter. “She was the only thing I could think of for a while.”

I smiled slightly. “He’s my angel.”

Mina smiled at me. “Sometimes you’re just too precious, Fritzie.”

I looked up at her. It hit me again, and it hit me hard. “I don’t…deserve him.”

“You do deserve him.” She said. “You do deserve Sebastian. He loves you.”

My cheeks heated at the thought. “I love him...I do.”

“Such a nice kid.” Mina grinned. “He’s so lucky to have you, Fritzie.”

I nodded at her, my eyes shining. “Sebastian, he’s…”

My head pounding, all eloquent thoughts completely switched to thoughts of him, and I couldn’t think of anything else to say. I was too tired and hungry to “Sebastian…” I said, not even above a whisper. “Sebastian.”

I kept mumbling his name on repeat, feeling my eyes grow heavier. If I could just go to sleep now, if I could just sleep for a week or a month to get rid of this unnumbed pain. I couldn’t go to sleep, not now! I had to wait for him to get back, I wanted to know he would come back. I needed the reassurance that he wasn’t scared off. Oh, Sebastian, you were killing me in that moment.

Mina sighed. “And…your brain completely switched to him now. You’re blanking on me, Fritz.”

I shook my head. “What?”

“You kept on muttering his name.” She explained quickly. “Are you sure you’re alright now?” 

I shook my head, brushing the hair out of my face. “No… I’m not.”

“He’ll be back, Fritz. He just needed to get stuff to spend the night here…He’s going to come back and he’s going to stay with you. Are you afraid that he’s afraid of what happened, Fritzie?”

I nodded. “Sort of.”

“He took care of you.” Mina said, pointing to my wrists. “If he was scared off, then he would have run earlier…Fritz, I know it’s hard, but trust me. He’s not scared.”

“I trust you.” I said softly, barely able to hear my own statement.

I heard someone run up the stairs quickly, the one step creaking louder than usual. I had never heard Opa Johannes run that fast while I was here… It was probably Sebastian, returning from getting his pyjamas and other supplies. He was breathing heavily and had to stop outside the door before entering the bathroom to see me. He had a pillow tucked securely under his arm and a book under the other. Smiling widely, he knelt down next to me and kissed me on the cheek. My eyes instantly went wide and I looked straight at him, holding my hand out to his cheek.

Mina raised an eyebrow at him. “You were able to stay over after all.”

“I promised I would.” Sebastian said, trying to catch his breath.

I grinned stupidly at him, and I felt something close to happy. “Sebastian.”

“Told you I’d be back.” He laughed. “My parents were fine with me staying over…they send their best wishes to you, Fritz.”  
My grin turned up at the corners. “Sebastian…”

Mina sighed. “I think you broke him, Sebastian. He was like this before you came back and all he did was mumble your name repeatedly…it’s like watching me a couple years ago, when I first met Charlotte.”

His cheeks turned a light pink. “Oh, Fritz.”

I left her arms to fall into his, and he gladly pulled me to his chest. He kissed the top of my curls, wrapping his arms around me tightly and oh, I felt so secure in that moment. Mina watched us with a smile on her face, but I didn’t really notice her in the moment. Sebastian was holding me; Sebastian was holding me! He was holding me again and I felt as if I was going to melt right then and there, right onto the tile floor. I let out a small giggle, leaning my head back against his shoulder.

“Maybe we should help him back to bed.” He muttered, pressing a kiss to my cheek. 

“Good idea.” My sister nodded. 

As Sebastian helped me to stand up, I had finally realized how fuzzy my head was after that attempt. A weight dropped through my body and I grasped on him for support. I felt like I was about to fall over, about to drop to the floor and never get up again, but I stepped one foot after the other. I had to trudge along.

“Just go slowly, Fritz.” He said, his grasp on my shoulders tight. “There’s no rush. I’m here all night to take care of you.”

I looked back at him. “I don’t deserve…you.”

He nuzzled his face on mine as he guided me through the next few steps. “You do, schatzie. You do.”

Mina huffed. “It’s going to be a while till he thinks any differently. You just have to be patient. He deserves the world but, uh… just was lied to. A lot.”

“I’ll do everything to make sure he will eventually see how much he deserves.” Sebastian muttered, looking at her seriously.

“He trusts you.” Mina smiled. “One day he’ll realized our father wasn’t right.”  
“I hope so.”

When I finally reached my bed, oh, it felt glorious. I dropped down onto the mattress, face first in my pillow. I needed to sleep. I didn’t care if I would have another nightmare, I needed to sleep this whole night away, I need to run away from my attempt. I felt the other side of the bed dip down, and I knew it was Sebastian. I turned towards him and smiled. Maybe sleep could wait a minute or two.

“Sebastian…” I sighed dreamily, holding out my arms to him. 

Smiling, he rested his head on the pillow next to mine, embracing me close to him.  
“Is it alright if I…?”

I nodded, snuggling closer to him. “Yes, please.”

“Anything for you.” He said simply. “Anything.”

I didn’t care if I sounded desperate, I needed his support. I didn’t care if I didn’t even deserve this embrace, this love he had for me in that moment, I needed it badly. I had tried to kill myself. I needed the reassurance and care…and I don’t think he minded giving it to me. He gave me little kisses on my cheeks and nose, and I looked up to him, my stomach somersaulting. His eyes were so beautiful, the complete opposite of mine. How did I deserve someone with such breath-taking eyes to love me? No, how did I even deserve someone to love me? I would probably never get an answer, but these questions filled my mind, rushing through my tired brain.

“How are you?” He asked me.

I winced a bit. I felt so tired and my wrists felt as if someone had rubbed scalding coals onto them. He saw I was in pain; I could see it in his eyes.

“My head and my wrists…” I grumbled. “It hurts.”

“I’m so glad you’re here, with me.” He whispered, tucking a stray curl behind my ear. “I’m so glad that you’re alive. If you would have died…oh, god, I would have been devastated. I couldn’t live, knowing that you were gone.”

My grin fell. Would he have been that upset without me?

“Sebastian,” I began, stroking my hand over his cheek. “I’m…not worth that.”

He put his hand over mine, looking at me seriously. “I mean what I say. I would have died if you were successful.”

“No.” I shook my head. “No, never.”

He was being serious. “I would have…you’re one of the most important things to me, Fritz. Knowing that you were gone, knowing that you would never know how I felt…I would have fallen right then and there.”

“Sebastian-“ I began. 

He took my hand and brought it to his lips. “If I couldn’t be with you, I would do what I needed to follow you.”

“I, uh-“

Sebastian frowned slightly. “I’ll be your protector here and if there’s an afterlife, in Hades. No exceptions, my schatzie.” 

“I didn’t want you to do…that. No.” I whispered to him, my eyes getting teary. “Oh, Sebastian-“

He looked at me fearfully, his eyes widening when he realized he had upset me. “I’m sorry!”

I snuggled my face into his neck, my sobbing getting harsher. If I would have known he felt this way, that he cared for me. That he would have felt the need to follow me if I had died. All the emotions slowly caught up to me. What I had attempted was final, there was no going back to him. I would have left him, my sister, Charlotte in pain. How could I have been so selfish as if to do that? That’s all I ever thought of, just me. Only me. Why was I so horrible? Why was I the modern, of course less beautiful, Narcissus?

“Everything’s alright, Fritz.” He mumbled, kissing the top of my head. “Everything’s alright. You’re here, with me.”

I looked up to him sadly. “I feel…so horrible.”

“It’s okay if you feel that way.” He said, smiling gently at me. “I’m here to help you feel safe. You’re safe, you’re here in my arms. You’re here with me.”

“I am.” I grinned slightly, wiping a stray tear from my eyes. 

He laughed and kissed my cheek. “It makes me so happy that you are.”

“I love you.” I whispered to him. 

Those words had slipped from my lips so effortlessly and had seemed to float in the air in front of me. Sebastian’s cheeks turned a bright red and I was sure mine were the same hue. I had said ‘I love you’ to him, something I had only done in my daydreams, in my imagination. After a minute, a wide smile appeared on his face, and he leaned in closer to me. 

“I love you too, my schatzie.” He muttered, running a finger over my lips softly. “God, I love you.”

My heart was ready to blow up into a million little pieces at his comment. I loved Sebastian, he loved me. Sebastian loved…me? He loved me! Oh, the minute he had said that, I thanked Aphrodite for one, acknowledging that I deserved him and two, gifting me with this simple statement coming from him.

Pressing my forehead against his, I sighed. “It’s been…such a short while.”

“But it feels so much longer.” He grinned.

“Is it too short?” I asked, unsure.

He looked at me, confused. “Why would it be?”

“I…” I began, choosing my words carefully. “Is it possible?”

Sebastian tilted his head. “That I love you as much as I do?”

I nodded, my eyes stinging again. “Yes.” 

“Do you still feel as if you don’t deserve this?” He asked me, stroking my hair gently. “What I feel is that I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve someone as beautiful and amazing as you, Fritz. I haven’t done anything in my life that I’m that proud of, except meeting you. Taking care of you. If anything, you’re the one too precious for me.”

“What?” I muttered. “No…not you. You’re perfect.”

“I’m not.” Sebastian looked away. “No one is perfect, Fritz. It might just be my stupid-ass heart speaking now, but you’re the closest to perfect I’ve ever seen.”

My cheeks heated up. “I’m not…not at all.”

I brushed away the shoulder of my sweater, showing a small patch of my scar-ridden upper arm. “Look. Not perfect. Not close.”

The look on his face completely changed when his eyes drifted to my shoulder.

“Oh, oh no.” He whispered. “No, no, no, my schatzie.”

I looked at him sadly. “Sebastian, it’s okay.”

He traced his fingers over the small marks, his eyes filling with concern. “Oh, no, no…You did this to yourself?”

I nodded hesitantly. “Yes…”

Sebastian bent over me slightly, pressing his lips against my shoulder. He kept on kissing my scars over and over again before I ran a hand through his hair, attempting to signal to him that it was alright, that everything was alright. He kissed my scars one more time before laying back down on his side of the bed.

“Please, just talk to me.” He frowned, pulling me closer to him. “Talk to me next time. You can tell me anything, I mean anything. I won’t love you any less, schatzie.”

“I told you I wasn’t perfect…” I grumbled. “I’m…not worth you.”

I ran a hand over my left wrist. “I’m not worth you.”

“My Fritz.” Sebastian hummed out, running a hand through my curls. “God, why are you so beautiful?”

Shaking his head, he leaned in closer to me, stroking over my cheek while doing so. As he pressed his lips against mine, the music he played for me, that one specific aria, came to mind. He had tried to teach me that piece he loved so much, but I had just ended up butchering it. I wasn’t too great on the piano, but Sebastian never seemed to mind. I remembered how I slammed down on random keys. My eyes had been forced open at the thought of that sound. I took a sharp breath.

I had pulled back quickly after a long second, a thousand thoughts were going through my head at once. Had he just- Did he just- Sebastian, what did you do? 

“No.” I breathed out. “No, no. Please, Sebastian.”

He pulled away slightly. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I should have asked first!”

My eyes started tearing. Damn it, I didn’t want this to happen! “It’s…okay.”

He gently took my hand, kissing it repeatedly. “I’m so sorry…I’m so sorry-“

I stopped him, pressing my lips against his cheek cautiously. “It’s okay.”

Sebastian’s eyes went wide, and his lips curved into a grin, one of those beautiful grins I saw him with almost every day. I had made him happy. I had done something…right? How was that possible that I, the mistake of the heavens, had made someone happy?

“I don’t care if I have to comfort you until the end of time,” Sebastian muttered, pressing a kiss to my forehead. 

A couple tears made their way down my cheeks. “Sebastian…”

“I don’t care if I have to stay up all night…” He stopped, a thoughtful expression replacing his grin. “Wait, I have to get at least two minutes of sleep to function, because if I don’t, I call everyone a bitch…That doesn’t matter, though. I would never call you a bitch, my schatzie.”

I grinned, despite my teary eyes. “That’s reassuring.”


End file.
